There’s a particular kind of womanhood many of us were raised into, stitched together with politeness, helpfulness, and the unspoken responsibility to make everything feel okay. We learn early how to smooth tension with a smile, how to soften our needs with a laugh, how to say “it’s fine” even when it isn’t. People call it being nice. But for many women, especially in cultures where harmony is prized and femininity is tied to care, that “niceness” becomes something heavier and can turn into a habit of self-abandonment.
People-pleasing isn’t just about wanting others to like you. It’s about believing your worth is dependent on being liked. And that belief doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s cultural, familial and reinforced in school, in religion, in the workplace, in relationships in the subtle ways we are rewarded for shrinking ourselves and punished for speaking up.
However, the truth is: people-pleasing is not kindness, it’s fear. Fear of conflict, fear of being disliked, fear of being seen as difficult, demanding, or “too much.” The work of unlearning people-pleasing is not about becoming indifferent or harsh. It’s not about refusing care. It’s about learning to include yourself in the care you give. Below are practical ways to begin that work slowly, gently, and with intention.
1. Start by Noticing When You Abandon Yourself
People-pleasing often happens before we’re even conscious of it. Your mouth says yes while your body is quietly saying no. Begin with awareness. When someone asks something of you, pause before responding. Notice what happens in your body with any tightness, hesitation, or breath hold. That sensation is data and your boundaries speaking. You don’t need to change anything yet, just notice.
2. Replace Automatic Yes’s with Neutral Pauses
If “yes” is your default, give yourself time to decide. Try saying, “Let me get back to you about that.” or “I need to check my schedule first.” This buys space for truth to enter and turns instinct into choice.
3. Learn to Tolerate Discomfort
Unlearning people-pleasing isn’t emotionally comfortable at first. Saying no may make your heart race and setting a boundary may make you feel guilty. But discomfort is not harmful. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid will happen if I disappoint someone?” “Whose reaction am I trying to manage?” Most of the time, the world does not fall apart when we say no. We simply learn that our relationships can survive our honesty, or weren’t real to begin with.
4. Practice Small “No’s” Before the Big Ones
Overhauling your whole life overnight is impossible. Start small by declining calls when you’re tired, say you don’t have capacity to help this week, and don’t overexplain your reasons. Small “no’s” build the muscle and big boundaries become easier.
5. Relearn What Kindness Actually Means
Kindness is not self-sacrifice as a default, silence to avoid conflict or saying yes when you’re at capacity. Kindness includes respect for yourself, honesty about what you can give and showing up when you mean it. You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
6. Accept That Not Everyone Will Like the Real You
Here’s the core truth that people-pleasing tries to avoid: When you stop performing niceness, some people will be uncomfortable. But the relationships that matter, that are rooted in respect, reciprocity, curiosity, and care, will deepen. They will become more honest, more spacious, more mutual. The love that requires you to disappear is not love.
You are allowed to take up space. Unlearning people-pleasing is less about becoming someone new and more about returning to someone you always were! The you who had preferences, desires, boundaries, needs. A self. You don’t have to choose between being kind and being whole. You can be both. But kindness must begin at home, with you.
